"Up Yours With A Paddle"

(Excerpts From "Superburnerman: Still In Heat")

It was pitch-black and raining when our hero, Superburnerman, and his lion-hearted sidekick, Red-Dog, loaded their canoe onto the SuperburnerMobile for the trek to the Kenduskeag Stream, where they planned to face the forces of Nature. Mother Nature was ready for them!

The air temp was 41 degrees, but the wind was blowing 45. They were freezing to death and then it started to snow. Or maybe it was sleet. It was hard to tell at times, but our intrepid heroes went on Dauntlessly, even though they knew not who or where Daunt was.

They should have seen the danger sign when they were given their number on registering.
It was 180.
But hey, they had entered a canoe race in Central Maine. IN APRIL!
(Cabin fever, perhaps? Or just a bad case of Cranial Rectosis?)

They were set loose on the river at 9:15 a.m., the swift current sweeping them downstream while their mighty arms worked in perfect harmony. (Okay, so they worked together like pieces of a broken clock, but even a broken clock is right twice a day!)

With his mighty mind working like a rusted trap, Superburnerman saw them safely through the flowing flood (much higher than the times he had done this race in the past) and past the River Vultures at the devilishly deadly Six Mile Falls. With Red-Dog baying out tuneless psalms of encouragement, our heroic duo did their superhero duty by salvaging driftwood canoes inadvertently abandoned by less skilled (or less fortunate) racers. But alas, all was not well and Mother Nature wasn't done with them!

At Maxfield Mill, Mother Nature revealed two important truths to Superburnerman and Red-Dog:
(1) The true meaning of the term "180" by hurling them into a submerged rock,
bringing about a drastic "turn" of events and
(2) the true temperature of the water when the thermometer lists it as 34 degrees.

She also taught them something very important about the spring-swollen Kenduskeag:
It flows very fast! Our heroes gained 1,000 feet without paddling a stroke! They swam for shore, dragging their canoe like a small child drags a favorite blanket, then our now-sodden superheros checked to make sure they still had all their water-soaked possessions. Lady Luck smiled on them, for they not only had everything they had started with, they had an almost-new seat cushion that had adopted them as it's very own.

Shaking and shivering through the next few miles, our intrepid explorers kept an eagle eye out for the Deliverance Dunces, their rescue road crew who carried dry clothes. When the eagle demanded it's eye back, they were almost in the Bowels of Bangor. After making them test the water temperature, Mother Nature decided to be kind and not make them bash their brains out on the Barrier Bridges by granting them a low tide for the end of the race. One of these bridges must surely contain the Deliverance Dunces!

Just when they had given up all hope of seeing their road crew, Superburnerman's super ears caught the sound of a voice from above. Looking up, he and Red-Dog spotted the troublesome trio. But all was not well. Unknown to our heroes, the small, furry member suffered from male pattern bald butt as the result of a run-in with the Burdock King.

[Ed. note: Find this adventure under the title "Tiny Tobi Gets It In The End"]

A race ensued between the team of Superburnerman and Red-Dog vs. the team of Mad Mom, Psycho Steve and Tiny Tobi. It was paddles vs. feet as each tried to be the first to reach the Point of No Return. It was a close race, but our heroes triumphed!

["But did they win anything in the Kenduskeag Stream Race?" asks a voice from the back row.
"Look, pal, if you want reality, go play at CNN.com!"]

A change of clothes and several quarts of Poweraide later, our waterlogged heroes left the mighty Kenduskeag behind. They were beaten by Mother Nature, but not defeated, and will return again to pit their mighty minds and brawny biceps in battle against the Damsel of Disaster.

Our next shocking installment: "Superburnerman Discovers Electricity"


The canoe divider and picture of two canoeists in the heat of the race were "borrowed" from James' Hobbies Page (which, as of 7/19/00, no longer exists). Hope to see you at the next Kenduskeag Race, James (even if it's just to give Superburnerman some competition...lol)!

P.S.: If you want to be a part of the Kenduskeag Stream Canoe Race, an online registration form as well as a plethora of information is available at The Official Kenduskeag Stream Canoe Race site. See you there!
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