"Up Yours With A Paddle"

It was pitch-black and raining when our hero, Superburnerman, and his lion-hearted sidekick, Red-Dog, loaded their canoe onto the SuperburnerMobile for the trek to the Kenduskeag Stream, where they planned to face the forces of Nature. Mother Nature was ready for them!

The air temp was 41 degrees, but the wind was blowing 45. They were freezing to death and then it started to snow. Or maybe it was sleet. It was hard to tell at times, but our intrepid heroes went on Dauntlessly, even though they knew not who or where Daunt was.

With his mighty mind working like a rusted trap, Superburnerman saw them safely through the flowing flood (much higher than the times he had done this race in the past) and past the River Vultures at the devilishly deadly Six Mile Falls. With Red-Dog baying out tuneless psalms of encouragement, our heroic duo did their superhero duty by salvaging driftwood canoes inadvertently abandoned by less skilled (or less fortunate) racers. But alas, all was not well and Mother Nature wasn't done with them!

Shaking and shivering through the next few miles, our intrepid explorers kept an eagle eye out for the Deliverance Dunces, their rescue road crew who carried dry clothes. When the eagle demanded it's eye back, they were almost in the Bowels of Bangor. After making them test the water temperature, Mother Nature decided to be kind and not make them bash their brains out on the Barrier Bridges by granting them a low tide for the end of the race. One of these bridges must surely contain the Deliverance Dunces!

Just when they had given up all hope of seeing their road crew, Superburnerman's super ears caught the sound of a voice from above. Looking up, he and Red-Dog spotted the troublesome trio. But all was not well. Unknown to our heroes, the small, furry member suffered from male pattern bald butt as the result of a run-in with the Burdock King.

[Ed. note: Find this adventure under the title "Tiny Tobi Gets It In The End"]

A race ensued between the team of Superburnerman and Red-Dog vs. the team of Mad Mom, Psycho Steve and Tiny Tobi. It was paddles vs. feet as each tried to be the first to reach the Point of No Return. It was a close race, but our heroes triumphed!

["But did they win anything in the Kenduskeag Stream Race?" asks a voice from the back row.
"Look, pal, if you want reality, go play at CNN.com!"]

A change of clothes and several quarts of Poweraide later, our waterlogged heroes left the mighty Kenduskeag behind. They were beaten by Mother Nature, but not defeated, and will return again to pit their mighty minds and brawny biceps in battle against the Damsel of Disaster.